After 17 years together, Bill Slimback and Bob Sullivan couldn't wait another minute to get married. So they didn't. With Vermont's new law allowing same-sex marriage only a minute old, they tied the knot in a midnight ceremony at a rustic lodge, becoming one of the first couples to legally wed under a law that took effect at midnight Monday…

"It feels wonderful," said Slimback, 38, an out-of-work Teamster who is taking Sullivan's last name as his own. "It's a day I've been long waiting for, and a day I truly honestly thought would never come."

Bah! A couple of perverts like that just make you sick, don't they? No benevolent God could ever smile upon a union like that, obviously.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a very busy schedule. These puppies protecting baby chicks aren't going to kick themselves, ya know.

February 23, 2004: A Giant Homosexual Taunt

May 11, 2005: This Week in God

June 6, 2006: Gay Marriage Ban

December 11, 2008: Proposition 8

April 6, 2009: Queer Eye for the Hawkeye

April 8, 2009: I Now Pronounce You Ben & Jerry

May 20, 2009: Gay Marriage Is Bad for Small Business

And I am afraid.

The same-sex chickens truly have come home to gentrify their roost.

Our legislative branch of government has become infested… with SOCIALISTS!!!

[Rep. Spencer Bachus] Bachus, the usually soft-spoken ranking Republican on the House Financial Services Committee, surprised a Birmingham News reporter last week by claiming there are 17 "socialists" in Congress.

When asked for specifics, Bachus named only one legislator — Sanders, a self-described "democratic socialist," whose vision of a socialist safety net is more Stockholm than Stalingrad.

Bachus' spokesman hasn't responded to numerous requests from Politico to name the other 16 lawmakers.

So what?! Bachus can't or won't name the other 16 socialists in Congress. That doesn't mean they don't exist. When my old apartment back in Philly became infested with mice, I didn't learn all of their names. Just, like, a few of them.

And you know what? That community of mice, with all their huddling together for warmth and sharing food and relying on one another for survival. Turned out they were socialists, too. That's why I didn't mind exterminating them; I felt it was my patriotic duty.

I tell you what Rep. Bachus should do is leave a mix a little chlorophacinone into a proposed bill for increased governmental oversight of corporations and then leave it behind the congressional refrigerator. Its effects come about very slowly, so the socialists won't learn to associate them with the populist policies.

Only problem is the congressional halls can get pretty rank if you're not diligent about cleaning them out afterward.

There'll be more…

If you don't get this, then you're luckier than the rest of us.

Here's the original.

Okay, first of all, when the pretty lady says, "My freedom will be taken away," fuck you!

Second of all, you might have been too busy puking all over everything in your house, but did you happen to notice the disclaimer about 17 seconds in that says, "The stories these actors are telling are based on real incidents"? Well, that almost certainly means that the stories these actors are telling are not based on anything resembling real incidents, but are the real paranoid concerns of real religious bigots.

Finally, "a rainbow coalition of people of every creed and color are coming together in love to protect marriage"… There is almost nothing in that sentence that's not constructed out of irony.

(By the way, you can see a bunch of awful actors giving their awful auditions for this awful commercial on Videogum.)

Don't worry. Mike Huckabee has got you covered…

The ruling, which, will be viewed as a victory for the gay rights movement, should instead, be viewed as an attack on the traditional family as recognized in this country. It is a sad day for Iowa and for the country…

I have long believed that marriage must be defined as a marriage between one man and one woman. To that end, we must pass a federal constitutional amendment defining marriage as a union between one man and one woman. I continue to believe that neither the federal government or any state government should recognize same sex marriages…

Our true strength as a nation comes from our families. We must continue to fight by every legal method available to us to preserve the importance of the family as a unit and to amend the Constitution of the United States to define marriage as a union between one man and one woman.

Right on, Mike Huckabee! The only possible way that we can preserve "our true strength" as a nation — which "comes from our families" — is to change the defining document of our nation to exclude millions of Americans from being able to form families!

It's fun to hate!

Vermont has become the fourth state to legalize gay marriage — and the first to do so with a legislature's vote.

The Legislature voted Tuesday to override Gov. Jim Douglas' veto of a bill allowing gays and lesbians to marry. The vote was 23-5 to override in the state Senate and 100-49 to override in the House. Under Vermont law, two-thirds of each chamber had to vote for override.

The worst part about this is that the more states that approve marriage equality, the more people will realize that it poses no genuine threat to the sanctity of marriage, and the less voters will feel the need to block it.

And that, of course, would be unbelievably destructive to the sanctity of marriage.

Or something.

Asked about Jindal's and Barbour's pledges to turn away stimulus funds aimed at expanding state unemployment insurance, California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger quipped, "You just tell them that anyone that doesn't want to take the money: I'm ready to take their money and rebuild California."

Meh, it's not as good as "I'll be back," "I lied," or "It's not a tumor." But it's still better than "Hasta la vista, baby."

And it was decent enough considering the fact that Vermont Gov. Jim Douglas' quote totally fucking stole the line that should have been his…

"We're not just getting a handout here. We're doing the heavy lifting," said Vermont Gov. Jim Douglas (R), vice chairman of the association.

Douglas should consider himself lucky that he got out of there without being skewered by a steam pipe.

That, to me, seems like one of the more kindly captions they could have come up with.

But Vermont's Independent Senator Bernie Sanders seems to have some objections to it, simply because it lacks any sort of truthful veracity. In fact, he feels so strongly that he wrote to the Smithsonian to complain…

When President Bush and Vice President Cheney misled our country into the war in Iraq, they certainly cited the attacks on September 11, along with the equally specious claim that Iraq possessed vast arsenals of weapons of mass destruction.

The notion, however, that 9/11 and Iraq were linked, or that one "led to" the other, has been widely and authoritatively debunked … Might I suggest that a reconsideration of the explanatory text next to the portrait of President Bush is in order[?]

With all due respect to Sen. Sanders, I do believe that a clear connection between 9/11 and Iraq has already been found.

The carrying-out of one gave the Bush administration a brilliant cover for carrying-out the other.

What more do you need to know?