You tell me what kind of a loving God wouldn't take offense at this kind of joyous display of human affection. Certainly not a Catholic God, as evidenced by this video…

Way to make a stand, Catholic Church! If gay people are allowed to not be treated like half-citizens, then no one gets health care! Everybody can just get sick and die from all the sinful pestilence that will be stirred up into the air, for all you care. I totally remember that part from the Bible. (It was right near the part with the unicorn, I think.)

Speaking of which, you know all the recent seismic activity lately? Turns out that those are all preemptive strikes against this abomination by the Lord…

"The lava under this Earth's crust is busting loose all over this place," [Westboro Baptist Church] member Tim Phelps told Fox News. "This nation is going to be utterly destroyed and it's going to be with fire."

Scientists!

Exhibit A: One of the deranged couples who applied for a marriage license.

Absolutely terrifying. You can tell by their suits and their flowers that they're hell-bent on destroying the fundamental principles of this nation. Notice, too, that they're smiling. This is because they are privy to Phase III of the Gay Agenda, which means they know the password to the secret gay bunkers where the gay WMDs are hidden. Sends a chill down your spine, doesn't it?

Exhibit B: A group of sensible Christian patriots stood up for the rest of us.

Thank the Lord there are still some rational people left in this world. Thank the angry, hate-filled Lord.

There it sits, a sad and harrowing reminder of what awaits all congresspeople who trifle lightly with dark powers beyond their control, the etchings of her former colleagues on its dust-caked veneer — "F-ing wash me!," "I wish my wife was this dirty," "Drill here" — belying the unsettling pang it roils in the pit of their stomachs.

And Hart? What has become of her? She is merely a shade, a transient lobbyist spirit drifting from one congressional desk to the next, always offering money for votes at the behest of her unholy Lord of Kickbacks.

The [press] scrum was met with all smiles from Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell, R-Ky., who sat next to a glowing Brown after a 30-minute meeting.

"I'll always refer to him as 41," McConnell said with a grin, referring to the number of seats Republicans now hold in the Senate, enough to mount a successful filibuster if they all stick together.

Aww, lookit that, aren't they sweet? "My buddy, my buddy, wherever I filibuster he filibusters / My buddy and me."

Republican Sen. Susan Collins of Maine was thrilled to see "a fellow New Englander," saying, "Oh, look, I'm going to be the first to greet him" as Brown was escorted by McConnell into a private lunch with Republicans.

After he strolled out, Brown called the lunch "fun."

"I enjoyed meeting everyone, even you," he said to the press members. "The spaghetti was good. I could have had more helpings. I was famished."

Can't blame the man for being hungry. Absorbing wild-eyed adoration burns a ton of calories — how do you think Barack Obama stayed so trim on the campaign trail?

Luckily Mitch McConnell and Susan Collins were standing by to feed Brown the grapes they'd peeled.

This weekend the entire Capitol was in stitches — careful, government-run health care won't cover that! — as the red-hot (and blue!) comedy team of Sarah Palin and Barney Frank took to the stage during the Gridiron Club's annual dinner. Folks, you just can't invent chemistry like this…

[W]hen Ms. Palin noted how busy she has been — with five kids, a book tour, running a huge state — Mr. Frank suddenly started and looked quizzical, seemingly wondering at her last item since she unexpectedly quit as governor last summer.

Or this…

Mr. Frank and Ms. Palin agreed on one thing: Each acknowledged that for all their criticism of media outlets — or "death panels," she called them — they respect what the press tries to do in holding elected officials accountable. And Ms. Palin interjected "Yeah!" when Mr. Frank confessed that when politicians complain they were quoted out of context, what they really mean is, "Geez, I wish I hadn’t said that."

And here's the kicker…

Mr. Frank, turning serious, lamented that many Americans inhabit "parallel universes" — with those on the far right and the left getting their information from Internet sources or talk shows that reflect and stoke their own biases.

Zing!

Although, let's be honest: he stole that one from Jack Benny.

The D.C. Council voted Tuesday to legalize same-sex marriage in the District, as the city moves quickly to join five states in allowing gay couples to marry.

After months of debate, the council passed the bill 11 to 2. It still must take a second vote in two weeks before the measure can go to Mayor Adrian M. Fenty (D), who has said he will sign it.

Of the two votes against, one came from cocaine-aficionado former D.C. mayor Marion Barry, who — despite voting against full rights for homosexuals and previously preaching against the morality of gay marriage — wants gays to know that he still would appreciate their votes, please, thank you very much…

"I stand here today to express in no uncertain terms my strong commitment to the gay and lesbian, bisexual, transgender community on almost every issue except this one," Barry said.

He then went on to plead with gay and lesbian residents not to hold his "no" vote against him.

"It's not fair to make this one issue a litmus test as to one's commitment to human rights, to justice, and I resent those who would make it a litmus test," Barry said.

He's so right. It's just not right to be prejudiced against a person simply for one minor issue.

When will gay people stop persecuting that poor man?

Have the teabaggers discovered sarcasm? Is that possible?

(Via Townhall, which notes that "it's happened to all of us." Fair enough. I'm sure they'd say the same thing if Joe Biden gaffed the words to the Pledge.)

A series of spot interviews suggests that the protesters have come to Washington from all across the country – Texas, Ohio, Oregon and the greater Washington area. It’s a generally older crowd, many in their 50s and 60s, predominantly, white, and many self-identified as Christians. They are fiercely conservative and deeply skeptical of the government, many of them adamantly opposed to abortion rights.

Whoa! They got white conservative Christians and Christian conservative whites! That's a broad coalition they've got there.

Many of the demonstrators, like Judith Garloch of Newark, Ohio, said they were opposed to an increasing government role in the health care. Many said they feared cuts to the Medicare program for Americans 65 and over… But Ms. Garloch, like many in the crowd who while visibly angry could not articulate the main problems in the health care system or how they should be solved.

To be fair, being informed and knowing what you're angry about are not requirements for The Angry Game.

All you need is a sign and a swastika.

But has he even gotten so drunk that he broke a breathalizer machine? Nope. Has he ever flashed his tits to a crowded bar? Again, as far as I know, no.

So it would seem there are a handful of other mayors out there who blow the competition out of the water when it comes to sleaze, corruption and general bad decisions. There are ten of them to be exact, and they comprise Spike's list of the Top Ten Misbehaving Mayors.

Wednesday night, the Funniest Celebrity in Washington contest went underway, and all of Washington's most famous celebrities people who are sometimes on C-SPAN competed to prove they are the funniest least boring person in Washington. The big winner of the night was Austan Goolsbee, an economist for the Obama administration. There's video of him yucking it up over here, but first Joe Wurzelbacher, better known as Joe the Plumber of New Lows (don't quit my day job, me), also performed stand-up! And there's video!

I'm not saying Joe's material is awful. I am just saying, as a plumber, shouldn't he be cleaning up shit rather than performing it?

Continue reading…

(link probably NSFW)

In Alaska's defense, that cold weather can't be doing any good.

Wow! Just, wow! It's like a snow white sea of stupidity and ugliness. It almost makes you want to wade in, hop up on a burning cross and surf a swell of xenophobia all the way back to the 1950s, huh?

Watch How to Talk Like a Real American Genius, Part 1: The Phantom Menace.

(via The Public Record)

Oh, somewhere between a couple dozen and eleventy quazillion. I'm leaning toward the latter. Because it just, you know, feels more rightish.

Plus, my uncle sent me a picture, and that's pretty much all the proof I need.

Coast Guard Genius #1: You know what tomorrow is, right?

Coast Guard Genius #2: No.

Coast Guard Genius #1: Friday, September…

Coast Guard Genius #2: …

Coast Guard Genius #1: September 11.

Coast Guard Genius #2: Oh, right! That's the day we climb in the boats with our guns and shoot them off over the Potomac River, for practice.

Coast Guard Genius #1: Dude. Never forget.

Remember that bat-shit, insane election we just went through? Thank god everything now is totally sane, calm and rational. But there were still some loose ends left over from all the election insanity. Like Joe the Plumber. What ever happened to that guy?

Wurzelbacher, aka "Joe the Plumber," has signed on as one of the stand-up comedians performing at September's "Funniest Celebrity in Washington" contest. The competition, now in its 16th year, is an annual gathering of politicos — funny and not so funny — awkwardly attempting comedy.

To be fair, this is a contest specifically designed for politicians and people from the political world to dip their toes into another world. But to be unfair, Joe Wurzelbacher isn't part of the political world. Like at all. He's just some dude. Dude belongs in shitty open mics instead. This is also funny…

Last year, former Gov. Mike Huckabee took home top honors.

If you guys think I'm being politically biased, I AM NOT! All politicians are unfunny. Man of the Year was just a movie, people (I actually had to check IMDB to make sure it was a movie, because I, like most Americans, didn't go see it).

Some of you might remember that earlier this summer, Glenn Beck launched a comedy tour. I only mention it because this line from the New York Times review of the show is funny…

There’s some cognitive dissonance there: one of his big applause lines, which is also one of his few clearly stated points, is “we need to stop spending.” On everything except Glenn Beck’s books and DVDs, apparently.

When a New York Times writer gets a good zing in about your comedy show, maybe it's time to give up the jester hat.

Here's a dramatization of Joe the Plumber coming up with his opening joke.

I feel for that one guy. Because sometimes you gotta just spend a third of an hour searching for the just-right pen. And it just makes it harder to concentrate on important things like pens when some jerkwad is sticking a camera in your face or trying to ask you a question about a thing.

Mike Stark (the guy in the video)'s summation…

Folks, this is what it has come to. The most powerful people in the world — nationally elected legislators responsible for setting policy for the most powerful country on earth — are lining up with cuckoo-bat-shit-crazy elements of the lunatic fringe.

And they have to. It's their base.

District of Columbia Councilman Marion Barry found himself mired in more political, legal and personal drama Sunday after his arrest late Saturday on charges that he was stalking a female companion.

Barry's latest run-in with the law centers on his relationship with political consultant Donna Watts-Brighthaupt, who alleges that he continues to approach her even though they split up a few months ago…

Barry, 73, was charged with one count of "misdemeanor stalking," said Sgt. David Schlosser, a Park Police spokesman.

Misdemeanor stalking? Nice try, Mr. Barry. Normally, that'd be worth me putting at least a little bit of thought into this post and making a cursory attempt to come up with a decent joke.

But, sadly, you were batting way out of your league this weekend. As it stands, I'm not even putting the effort in to search for an actual picture of you.

Keep at it, though. You'll hit gold eventually. I'm sure of it.

Belief.net's David Klinghoffer has figured out the real culprit here. It was Charles Darwin…

He writes in his manifesto… "As with ALL LIBERAL ideologies, miscegenation is totally inconsistent with Natural Law: the species are improved through in-breeding, natural selection and mutation. Only the strong survive. Cross-breeding Whites with species lower on the evolutionary scale diminishes the White gene-pool while increasing the number of physiologically, psychologically and behaviorally deprived mongrels."…

This wacko hates Christianity as much he does Judaism. And like Hitler in Mein Kampf, he draws lessons from his interpretation of Darwinism. He's very big on dangers to the Aryan "gene pool." The subtitle of his book promies: "A New Hard-Hitting Exposé Of The JEW CONSPIRACY To Destroy The White Gene-Pool."…

No, he doesn't cite Darwin by name in the part of his book that's readable online — the first 6 of 12 chapters. But do you get the general drift? And you want to tell me that ideas don't have consequences?

Wow. Somebody hurry up and invent an Einstein Award for Excellence in the Field of Thinking, because this Klinghoffer guy totally deserves it.

He has clearly proven that if a person "draws lessons" (otherwise known as completely misrepresenting an idea so as to create a bullshit justification for a flawed and hateful belief system) from a thing, that thing becomes completely responsible the person's actions.

It's amazing that this masterful theory of Klinghoffer's has never ever ever been trotted out by people who don't believe in evolution before. Because there's no possible way that anybody could make a cogent argument against this theory.

And, besides, choosing the groups of people that you think deserve to be murdered and non-personal natural selection occurring over the course of several million years are the exact same thing. Am I right?

That said, I'd keep my eye on this new currency.

If it's really redeemable for a hot meal, I have a feeling it'll be outpacing the U.S. Dollar within a few months.