Like about 33 percent of the people who comment on shoddily-written political humor blogs, I have pretty much no capacity for determining what is intended as satire and what is an actual earnest piece of journalism or opinion.

Therefore, I can only assume that Slate.com hacked into the president's Facebook account and published the results. And that, to me, seems like it might be some kind of treason. You should ashamed of yourself, Slate!

This was my particular favorite part…

It's funny because it's true (that sitting through Terminator: Salvation was painful to a degree that was in all likelyhood comparable to what it must feel like to have your fellow citizens get together to vote your rights away).

This has got to be the most delicious-smelling form of enhanced interrogation I've heard of since the infamous bacon rack…

Fascinating piece coming in tomorrow's TIME magazine. Reporter Bobby Ghosh writes, "The most successful interrogation of an al-Qaeda operative by U.S. officials required no sleep deprivation, no slapping or 'walling' and no waterboarding.

"All it took to soften up Abu Jandal, who had been closer to Osama bin Laden than any other terrorist ever captured, was a handful of sugar-free cookies."

I cannot believe that in this day and age, we're actually still debating whether or not sugar-free snacks should be considered torture.

Have you ever tried Diet Dr. Pepper? Have you attempted to swallow it? I have. There is nothing about the experience that is any way similar to the senatation of eating food.

I still have nightmares from time to time.

Update: I've just managed to obtain photographic evidence of this new technique being used on one of those so-called terrorist monsters.

As you may remember, a few weeks ago Sean Hannity offered to let himself get waterboarded for charity to show how non-torture-y the whole exhilarating experience truly is despite what anybody who has ever actually been waterboarded has ever actually said.

Keith Olbermann — not one to miss out on an opportunity to be loud and self-righteous — jumped right in and offered to give $1,000 of his own money to military families for every second of aquatic good time fun Hannity could endure.

Sean Hannity, obviously, never mentioned it again.

So, Olbermann found a Hannity-lite — conservative radio host/bovine lycanthrope Mancow Muller — to get waterboarded in Hannity's stead in exchange for precious, precious ratings.

You'll never guess what conclusion the Mancow came to…

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The best part is where Mancow says Sean Hannity called him up and said — despite everything else — that it's still not torture.

No, actually, the best part is when Sean Hannity tripped and fell off the Earth and flew into space and nobody ever saw him again because he was sucked into a black hole. That's my favorite, favorite part.

Here's her statement about not making a statement about her statements…

"I have made the statement that I'm going to make on this," she told reporters at a Capitol Hill news conference. "I don't have anything more to say about it. I stand by my comment."

I wonder if she'd be willing to comment about not commenting about that comment she made regarding those comments that may or may not have been commented.

If I were her, I wouldn't. Because stuff like this just makes her seem sooooo trustworthy.

Saying anything else — like, anything of substance — would just ruin it.

Watching this speech made me realize just how effective Cheney's enhanced interrogation techniques probably actually are.

About twenty minutes in, I would have done anything to make it stop…

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Complete transcript after the jump…

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In case you're just checking out the news right now, the big story of the day will be that Barack Obama and Dick Cheney had dueling speeches on torture, terrorism, and handing the keys to the U.S. over to Osama bin Laden.

Long story short, Barack Obama supports a rational, measured response to the threat of terrorism — one that both keeps us safe and is morally-sound — and Dick Cheney says we're all gonna die horrible, horrible deaths with blood and gore spewing from our distended orifices.

Which one's right? I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Here's Obama's speech. I'll get Cheney's up as soon as I can find it…

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Complete transcript after the jump…

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