First Lady Michelle Obama is launching a mentoring program in which female White House senior staff impart educational, career development and life skills to young girls.

Explaining the program, the First Lady said…

"When we came to the White House, we thought 'wow, we've got the most powerful seat in the land to help be a bridge builder… So we started thinking of new ways to bring new kids in, to have their voices heard, to know that the President of the United States hears you and values you and cares about your growth and development."

And in nurturing that development, the program hopes to offer several life lessons and tutorials gleaned from this administration's rise to power and first year in office, including…

* It's not how well you do your job, it's how poorly the guy you're replacing did his

* Finding places to store your audacious, but unused, hope

* Compromising your dreams: It only hurts forever

The White House is apparently holding some kind of contest to see who can make the most effective piece of socialist pro-health care propaganda using only a laptop and a quasi-understanding of the issue. And they just narrowed down the submissions to the 20 best/worst (depending on your p.o.v.).

Then I just went through those, narrowed them down to the few that I found to be the least intolerable five. Enjoy…

1. The Obligatory Kitchy Retro One

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Who is the dudeliest dudely dude in all of America? Dude, you even gotta ask? It's this dude, Barack Obama. So posits the New York Times, anyway, in a lengthy weekend story that opens with the provocative lede: "Does the White House feel like a frat house?" (Spoiler alert: chug, bro!)

The president, after all, is an unabashed First Guy’s Guy. Since being elected, he has demonstrated an encyclopedic knowledge of college hoops on ESPN, indulged a craving for weekend golf, expressed a preference for adopting a "big rambunctious dog" over a "girlie dog" and hoisted beer in a peacemaking effort.

"First Guy's Guy," what does this even mean? Is the NYT trying to subtext something about Todd Palin? Dunno, bro. What we do know is that there are no girls allowed in the clubhouse when certain things, like the economy and national security, are being discussed. (Well, duh. Girls just shop and release secret cryptographic algorithms all the time.)

More importantly, there are no girls allowed at the golf games Barack Obama plays when he should be working, or playing basketball. Except finally this weekend he let domestic policy adviser Melody Barnes tag along on the links, maybe because as domestic policy adviser she would bring cookies. Wait, no, that's a job for the communications team…

In the same week as [another fucking] basketball game, Anita Dunn, the White House communications director, hosted a group of women reporters for an off-the-record meeting with [senior adviser Valerie] Jarrett over chocolate chip and oatmeal cookies.

And I bet they had a blast, those lady typists, chit-chatting over cookies. It's what they want, right? The White House gals also get to work on health care, and whatever it is Hillary Clinton does, and they throw baby showers for each other. Doesn't mean Barack Obama is, like, afraid of girl cooties…

One Democratic media strategist says that while Mr. Obama does place women in important roles, his comfort level with staff members is not always perceived as equal.

So what? We know separate isn't equal, except for the gays, but the situation here is "non-separate but inequal," which is just what you get for choosing the lifestyle of two X chromosomes, anyway. Besides, Barack Obama is president! We live in post-racial America, and according to everything I've read, sexim is nonexistent even more often than racism is nonexistent, so obviously this is much ado about nothing that exists at all in the first place.

This just in: David Cross did a line of cocaine off of Barack Obama's penis at the White House Correspondents Dinner.

Or something.

I don't know. I stopped reading after I'd kinda gotten the gist.

We've seen some fiery skirmishes in the War on Fox News, especially now that Fox's commanders are rallying their troops to go on the offensive, but today we have an actual bombshell: Fox has unearthed explosive! detonating! evidence of Barack Obama's campaign communications team's SECRET STRATEGY for media terrorism.

You see, Barack Obama's campaign communications team (led by Anita Dunn, seen here PLOTTING with David Axelrod), did not simply allow reporters, including those of Fox News, to write whatever the hell they wanted about their candidate. This is unheard of in democracy. A non-Stalinist campaign would simply lead its candidate onto a stage, sit him down, and let the assembled press pool make up whatever fun stories they wanted to, based on his appearance.

But Candidate Obama's nefarious communications generals had a different plan, a strategy known to "insiders" as "controlling the message." These people don't want you to know that they did this, or how they did this, but one Fox News footsoldier marched into the trenches of Google, I'm guessing, and dug up a video of Anita Dunn speaking at a conference earlier this year…

She explained that the campaign favored live interviews so that Obama's words could not be edited — "so that what the voters heard we determined, as opposed to some editor in a TV station."

"Whether it was a David Plouffe video or an Obama speech, a huge part of our press strategy was focused on making the media cover what Obama was actually saying as opposed to why the campaign was saying it," she said.

Chilling! How many more times has Barack Obama covered up his efforts to waterboard the media? Next I suppose Fox News will reveal that those big blue "Yes We Can" rally signs were not the spontaneous handiwork of Real Americans, but were instead distributed by campaign operatives! (I believe that would be grounds for impeachment.)

Two of President Obama's tippy-top-most advisers — in what was certainly not an orchestrated maneuver — dropped some mind-blowing bombshells on the landscape of American journalism over the weekend, accusing Fox News of being — of all things! — not a real news organization…

White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel told rival cable channel CNN's "State of the Union" that Obama considers Fox News "not a news organization so much as it has a perspective."…

Obama's closest political adviser, David Axelrod, told ABC's "This Week" that Fox News "is really not news. It's pushing a point of view."

First of all, their accusations are absurd on their face. Fox News has the word "news" right in its name. It's not called Fox Perspective or Fox Propaganda or Fox Republican Talking Points, right?

Second of all, my Uncle Mitch says that Fox News isn't only a real news organization, but the only real news organization. Are Emanuel and Axelrod accusing my Uncle Mitch of lying? He's a real American patriot; he must have at least twelve flags on his pick-up. How many do they have on theirs?

Fox News, for its part, responded as any legitimate news organization would: by declaring that the White House has declared "war" on them and asking its viewers to vote on why the administration is so mean…

Unfortunately, they left off the most obvious answer option: That it is in the employ of The Devil. Oh man, their ombudsman is gonna be embarrassed.

As of press time, Glenn Beck could not be reached for crying.