* Keith Olbermann predicts zombies in America's future.

* An open letter to Old People from Young People: "We don't want to kill you."

* Jesus fired from Kentucky Office of Homeland Security.

* What is best in life? To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to keep your Conan the Barbarian sword in the governor's office.

* Ugh! I don't wanna read The Death Book. Can't I just wait for The Death Movie to come out?

Well, it's been a whole five months since Barack Obama was sworn in as President of the United States. So, it's probably about time to start worrying about what atrocities to the country he'll be committing during his third term in office.

Rush Limbaugh, why don't you get us started…

You have to wonder if Obama is just trying to lay a foundation for not being a hypocrite when he tries to serve beyond 2016. I wouldn't be at all surprised if in the next number of years there is a move on the 22nd Amendment, which term limits the President of the United States…

And I wouldn't put it past Obama to be plotting right now how to serve beyond 2016 and I think the way he's reacting to what's happening in Honduras – Look, they've got a constitution… and Obama sides with the guy who wanted to rip up the constitution…

Anybody who thinks that he intends to just constitutionally go away in 2016 is nuts… These are people who seek power for reasons other than to serve. They seek to rule.

It's not his third term I'm worried about. It's his twelfth term that keeps me up at night.

Call me a traditionalist, but I just think it's wrong to elect a re-animated corpse to such an important position.* (A Muslim re-animated corpse, no less.)

.

^{* Plus, I think he'll be soft on illegal interplanetary aliens.}

Troops Denied Water By Cheney Spawn: Did you know that you can buy a $1200 dollar watch in a combat zone? Also: did you know that US soldiers had to steal water from war profiteers? CBS reports that our boys and girls "over there" are very thirsty, and at the mercy of corporations that will, one day in the far-flung future, use human beings to smuggle murderous, chest-bursting aliens back to Earth inside of them. There is a documentary about this very thing. [cbsnews.com]

Economy Still Sucks, Move Along: Fewer Americans stopped by food court and inhaled cinnamon buns in April, the second month in a row that consumer spending has dropped. This portends poorly for a economic recovery, and even less so for economists charged with fixing the economy, most of whom have a vested interest in telling everyone that everything is going to be ducky, toot de suite. [yahoo.com]

Nobody Told Scientists Not To Create Zombies: This just can't end well. Scientists in Texas tasked with finding a way to eradicate fire ants have developed a way to turn these pests into… zombies. That's right: parasitic flies plant eggs in the brains of the ants, and then the ants wander away until their heads fall off. Amazing. Give it a decade, and this is how the US military will deal with terrorists. [chron.com]

Credit Card Companies Maxed Out: If you thought the collapse of America's powerful, and storied financial institutions was a good time, just wait until the credit card companies start to buckle under the weight of their debts. A major lender is shutting down credit to small businesses, who use credit for payroll and expenses while waiting out invoices. What does this mean to you? It means you might have to sell blood or just steal your second or third plasma tv. [bloomberg.com]

Hackers All Up In Electricity Grid Grill!  National security experts claim that foreign spies have penetrated the American electrical infrastructure, looking for ways to sabotage it. This is bad news. [wsj.com]

Recession To Blame For Recent Massacres! Even more bad news: experts link recent mass murders and rising violent crime to the cratering economy, and that both trends could continue. [washingtonpost.com]

Non-Disney Pirates Kidnap Americans! Piracy off the coast of the anarchist paradise of Somalia is still a recession-proof boom industry — 20 Americans have just been taken hostage. [reuters.com]

Dead Man Elected Mayor! He was popular in life, and now, recently-deceased Harry Stonebraker is mayor of Winfield, Missouri. He would be Missouri's second Zombie-American elected to office. [stltoday.com]